Regardless of how long the relationship lasted or who made the decision to break up, the loss of a loved one can cause immense emotional pain. This is a form of loss that involves grief and a period of mourning the lost relationship. What is the process of healing a broken heart, and how can you cope after a breakup?

The stages of a breakup

In her book "On Death and Dying" (1969), Elizabeth Kubler-Ross presented the five stages of grief that we experience after the death of a loved one. These same stages can be applied to the breakdown of a relationship, which also involves the loss of an important person in our lives – our partner. The stages are as follows:

Shock and denial

Denial in the initial stages of a breakup is a natural response to difficult news. It acts as a protective buffer that helps numb the painful experiences and gives time to gradually adjust to new circumstances. At this stage, you may still hold on to the hope that this is a temporary situation and that everything will soon go back to normal. Seeking conversations and support from close friends or family members can be extremely helpful during this stage.

Here are some examples of thoughts of a person in the shock and denial stage after a recent breakup:

“This can't be happening. It's probably just another argument. He/she needs some time to themselves. He/she will reconsider and reach out soon. We'll be back together soon.”

Anger

You slowly come to realise that this is really happening. At this point, you may feel anger and rage. These are completely natural emotions that accompany a breakup. Anger can also mask sadness or fear, which can be difficult to experience during this stage.

Typically, the anger is aimed at the ex-partner, the world, yourself, or other people. During this stage, it’s important not to make hasty decisions that you might regret later. Find constructive ways to express your anger.

“How could he/she do this to me? Why did this happen to me? I hate him/her! How can they still be friends with him/her after all of this? It's all my fault!”

Bargaining

At this stage, you may look for ways to get your ex-partner back. You’re willing to do anything to turn back time, change the course of events, and fix the lost relationship. You may feel confusion, helplessness, guilt, or shame.

During intense emotions, bargaining becomes a way to regain control over your own life. It’s a natural reaction. You negotiate with yourself, believing that if you take care of yourself, start exercising, or enroll in Spanish lessons, your ex-partner will notice these changes and come back to you.

“I'll change for him/her! He/she will see how much I care. Let's give it another chance. It’ll be better this way.”

Depression and sadness

This is the most intense, yet necessary and natural stage in the experience of loss. At this point, you gradually come to terms with the fact that your partner has left and the relationship has ended. Everything reminds you of them. Sadness, despair, a sense of emptiness, helplessness, and powerlessness come forward. Although it’s difficult, give yourself space and allow yourself to experience these emotions. This is a time for reflection on what’s been lost, on your own life, and on yourself. It's time to mourn the relationship.

Be cautious not to engage in maladaptive coping strategies, such as alcohol, drugs, overeating, or casual sex. Taking a walk, having a bath, or listening to your favorite playlist can be helpful. Take care of yourself. Support from loved ones can be particularly important during this stage.

If these difficult emotions are particularly intense and last for a long time, it may be a good idea to seek help from a mental health specialist, such as a psychologist or therapist.

“It's really over. I can't live without him/her. I miss him/her so much. He/she meant everything to me. Why does it hurt so much?”

Acceptance

This is the stage where you can come to terms with the loss. This doesn't mean that you’ll never experience sadness again – you may still feel it. Perhaps in the previous stages of loss, you’ve come to know yourself better, tapped into your resources, and understood your own needs.

This is a good time to gradually move forward and rebuild your life. To reintroduce elements that may have been lacking in the relationship, such as nurturing friendships, hobbies, or setting new goals.

“It's sad that it ended this way, but it's time to move on. I'll take care of myself. I'll focus on what's important to me and my own needs.”

How to survive a breakup?

We go through the stages of grief when we experience various losses in life – whether it's the loss of a partner, a friend, a beloved pet, or our health. This is a natural response to losing someone or something important in our lives. Everyone may need a different amount of time for each stage and go through them in a different order. When we break a leg, we give ourselves time for the bone to heal.

Similarly, when we experience a broken heart, we should give ourselves time to mend it by going through the stages of loss at our own pace. The duration of this process depends on various factors, such as the length of the relationship, the level of involvement, and the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Reaching the stage of acceptance is crucial for fully reconciling with the loss, and only then are we ready to rebuild our own lives.

Getting stuck in one of the stages for an extended period can be a concerning sign and can cause significant pain and suffering. In such cases, seeking help from trusted individuals or mental health professionals such as psychologists or Wellbee therapists can be beneficial in the process of mending a broken heart.

Take stock of your emotions because each one has significance

Allow yourself to experience the emotions that arise at each stage of grieving after a breakup. You may feel anger, sadness, regret, fear, helplessness, or powerlessness. You can feel all these emotions because you‘ve lost someone important in your life. Don’t try to fight or suppress these emotions. They’re natural and necessary.

Suppressed emotions don’t simply disappear; they can resurface later in life. Denying emotions or using phrases like "get yourself together" is like comparing emotional pain to trying to walk with a broken leg. Not very helpful advice, right?

During a breakup, you may experience rejection, which is one of the most painful emotions. MRI scans of the brain show that it activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain. That's why going through a breakup is so painful.

A broken heart is a bad advisor

After a breakup, the idealising mind takes over, recalling only the most wonderful memories associated with your former partner. It brings back moments when you felt happy, special, you remember his/her smile, and imagine how wonderful it could be to be together again someday. The mind suggests that you’ve been deprived of someone perfect!

And so, your mind urges you to feverishly check your ex-partner's social media accounts and browse through shared vacation photos. At any cost, it wants to find a hidden meaning and discover the true reason for the breakup. Although this is natural, these practices don’t impact the process of healing a broken heart in a positive way; they only intensify the emotional pain.

What we tend to focus on much less after a breakup are the annoying habits of the ex-partner, the compromises, the arguments, moments of crying, sadness, anger, and the vicious circle of revisiting the same problems. The point is not to vilify your ex, but to see that there were both wonderful and difficult moments in the relationship. By looking at your relationship from this perspective, you’ll change the way you think about never finding someone as special.

The positive effects of a breakup?

Breaking up with a partner is one of the most challenging and painful experiences we can face. Each relationship is unique, and the effects of a breakup can be both positive and negative. A breakup opens the door to finding yourself. In a relationship, we often invest a lot of attention and energy into meeting our partner's expectations, sometimes even losing our own identity. A breakup gives us the opportunity to focus on ourselves and rediscover our passions, goals, and values. We can find time to develop our own interests, explore our desires, and build a life that aligns with our authentic selves. This is the perfect time to focus on our personal growth and find out what makes us happy and fulfilled.

A breakup can also lead to personal growth. Although it’s a painful experience, it becomes a catalyst for self-improvement. In the face of difficult emotions and challenges associated with a breakup, we can experience tremendous personal growth. We can learn to cope with stress and emotional difficulties. A breakup can motivate us to start therapy, which allows us to better understand ourselves, identify our behavioural and relational patterns, and learn healthy strategies for dealing with life's adversities.

The negative effects of a breakup

The negative effects of a breakup are complex and can affect many aspects of our lives. Emotional pain, sadness, and loneliness are common companions of this experience. After a breakup, we may feel deep sadness and regret over the loss of a significant person and the end of our shared future. The feeling of loneliness can be strong, especially when we have to adapt to life without the partner we were so deeply connected to. With a breakup, there often comes a sense of loss, both in an emotional and a practical sense. We lose a sense of security, stability, and the comfort of being in a relationship, which can be challenging to accept and process. It’s natural for a breakup to cause a sense of imbalance and disorientation in our lives.

Support after a breakup - online therapy

For some individuals, talking to a friend or a trusted person may be the best way to cope with a breakup. It can provide support, help sort through thoughts and emotions, and relieve emotional tension. However, some individuals may not want to discuss their ex-partner, as talking about them can be too difficult. That‘s totally fine. Reflect on what you currently need and what could help you right now. Whether you want to talk about the relationship or not, it's important to maintain contact with friends. It gives you a sense that you’re not alone in all of this and provides an opportunity to see that there are other areas of life beyond the lost relationship.

However, if you feel that your current coping strategies are not sufficient or you’re concerned about the intensity of your emotions or any changes in your behaviour, seeking the help of an online therapist at Wellbee is advisable. Online therapy can provide a safe and supportive environment where you can express your emotions, share your experiences, and receive support. A therapist specialising in relationship therapy can help you understand your emotions, recognise harmful behavioural patterns, and identify areas for personal growth and fulfillment. Therapy can also help in rebuilding self-esteem and self-trust after a breakup.

Experiencing a crisis after a breakup is natural. Any supportive help can be beneficial during the grieving process.