At first glance, many of us associate perfectionism with something positive - it helps us perform various tasks exceptionally well and makes us avoid mistakes. But is this positive view justified? In this article, we’ll take a closer look at perfectionism.

To understand the mechanisms of perfectionism, we should start by searching for its "roots." It’s related to schemas, specifically lifetraps (Young, Klosko, 2012).

Maladaptive schemas arise from parents' failure to meet the emotional needs of a child, such as safety, connection with others, self-worth, self-expression, or autonomy. Each of us carries a baggage of experiences that determine the schemas that influence our lives. This is related to the dominant parenting style, which can be characterised by excessive care, high demands, emotional detachment, excessive criticism, and more. Schemas act as filters that influence our way of thinking, our behaviour, and our relationships with others.

One of these lifetraps, as described by Young and Klosko (2012), is Unrelenting Standards. It is through perfectionism that individuals with this schema try to meet these standards. People with this schema constantly set new goals for themselves, hoping to achieve a sense of fulfillment. However, none of these absolute and unattainable plans brings them any satisfaction.

Upbringing and perfectionism

It’s easy to understand the significant role parenting plays in shaping certain characteristics in children. Critical, controlling, and overprotective parents contribute to the development of perfectionism. That's why it’s crucial not only to reward a child for their achievements and completed tasks but also to praise their efforts. This will undoubtedly help in developing a sense of competence and healthy functioning in the future.

If our parents showed us conditional love, attention, and acceptance only when we met their expectations or achieved success, we may have developed the trap of Unrelenting Standards. These standards become a tool for seeking love and attention.

Another source of perfectionism could simply be the fact that our parents themselves were perfectionists, and we observed their daily activities and how they achieved success. By observing the behaviour of those most important to us, we learned to behave in a similar way.

The Three Faces of Perfectionism

There are three forms of the schema associated with perfectionism:

Compulsiveness: involves focusing on details and performing everything in an extremely precise manner. Everything must be in perfect order, without the slightest deviation from the norm.
Unrelenting Standards: The primary focus here is the need to express and receive praise. Individuals with this dominant schema concentrate on what’s visible and judged by others. These standards serve to build self-esteem while coping with beliefs of being inferior or worthless. People with this schema often focus on recognition from others, their well-being, or appearance.
Achievement-oriented: As the name suggests, this involves a high level of engagement in work and other achievements. This type of perfectionism is often associated with workaholism, where work becomes the primary life need.

I Want to Be Better!

Striving for perfection is a typical behaviour of our species. This Is evident in the progress we have made as humanity. We currently live in times where there is a constant race for ideal standards, the so-called "rat race." There’s no room for making any mistakes here. Unfortunately, we often forget that the results and consequences of this pursuit can be destructive.

Perfectionism is, by nature, the tendency to set very high standards for ourselves and others. Often, these standards are unrealistic and exaggerated. People dominated by perfectionism have difficulty accepting mistakes and imperfections, both in themselves and in others. Perfectionists display extremely negative reactions to making mistakes, engage in harsh self-criticism, doubt their abilities in case of failures, and have a strong sense that others are demanding and critical towards them.

The Perfect Camouflage

Perfectionism disguises our deeper problems, which may be related to self-esteem, fear of failure, or fear of judgment. It occupies our minds with more superficial concerns. However, it’s essential to remember that the need for excessive perfection destroys our positive self-esteem and sense of self-worth in the long run.

Perfectionism and the Media

Unrealistic and idealised images of people and their achievements presented in the media significantly contribute to the development of perfectionism. The standards imposed on us regarding appearance or lifestyle make us measure our successes and failures according to those criteria. We try to fit into these norms without considering that what we see may not be true or worthwhile.

Perfectionism and Health

Another critical aspect of excessive perfectionism is its threat to our health and, sometimes, even to our lives. Perfectionists are more prone to stress, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, sexual dysfunctions, and even suicidal tendencies (Smith, Sherry, 2019), as compared to others.

There Are Different Types of Perfectionism

Hewitt and Flett (1991) distinguished three types of perfectionism:

Self-oriented perfectionism: Individuals with this form of perfectionism set incredibly high personal standards. Their goal is not just self-improvement but being perfect and avoiding failure at all costs. When the goal or goals are not achieved, extreme self-criticism arises, often leading to feelings of anxiety. Self-oriented perfectionism is also associated with a high level of self-control.
Socially prescribed perfectionism: People exhibiting this form of perfectionism believe that others have unreasonably high expectations of them. They fear that if they fail to meet these expectations, they won’t receive approval, will be rejected, or not fully accepted. The extremely high standards imposed on them by others make them feel helpless.
Other-oriented perfectionism: Individuals dominated by this form of perfectionism set high standards for others and criticise other people who do not meet their expectations. They expect perfection that is impossible to achieve. This pattern is similar to self-oriented perfectionism but directed externally towards people in their environment.

Why Is Perfectionism Harmful?

In perfectionism, boundaries are blurred, which means that if we consider what we do to be imperfect, we’re prone to intense self-criticism. The internal critic tells us that we’re worthless, not good enough, and that we need to try harder because we’ve "messed up." By raising the bar higher and higher, we eventually lose sight of it, making it difficult to see any progress. We become hyper-aware of our shortcomings and punish ourselves for them. As a result, we start believing that we’re worthless and insufficient, leading to a distorted self-perception and perception of the external world.

In the vicious cycle of thoughts such as "I failed again," "I don't deserve it," "I'm not good enough," we enter a field where there’s no room for rewards or external gratification. Consequently, we isolate ourselves from our loved ones because we feel uncomfortable receiving praise from them, thinking we don't deserve it. This, in turn, leads to guilt. Isolation from loved ones and persisting in the pursuit of perfection can result in low self-worth and even depression.

Overcoming Perfectionism

If you feel that the need for perfection is starting to bother you and you’d like to let yourself make mistakes, this is definitely a step in the right direction. Please don't get me wrong - if raising the bar motivates you and helps your self-development, that's great! The problem is when sharp self-criticism and fear of new challenges and failure replace the joy and satisfaction from your achievements.

Realistic or Unrealistic?

Setting goals and raising the bar is okay, but it comes with certain conditions. Firstly, we need to assess whether our pursuits are realistic, and secondly, we need to listen to the messages they convey.

If the messages sound like "I can't make a mistake," "I’m hopeless," "I can’t do anything right," it should raise a red flag. By focusing on our faults, we start to believe that something is wrong with us because everyone else seems to lead perfect lives. Of course, that's not true - everyone makes mistakes, has bad days, and doesn't do everything perfectly. The real world is full of mistakes and imperfections.

Admitting Mistakes

The awareness of making a mistake is one thing, and the ability to admit to a mistake or failure to ourselves is another. Only by accepting failure can we move forward. Being understanding toward ourselves and learning from experiences related to our imperfections is crucial for our further development and becoming better (but not perfect).

Look for Support!

If you feel that perfectionism is causing problems in your daily life, and your previous efforts with coping have been insufficient, remember that you‘ve already taken the first step towards change. If, despite your efforts, your problems persist, consider seeking help from a psychologist or therapist. You don't have to deal with this alone.

Bibliography:

Brustein, M. (2013). Perfectionism: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals. New York: Springer Publishing Company.
Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L. (1991). Perfectionism in the self and social contexts: Conceptualization, assessment, and association with psychopathology. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60(3), 456–470.
Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S. (2012). Program Zmiany Sposobu Życia. Uwalnianie się z pułapek psychologicznych. Warszawa: Instytut Psychologii Zdrowia.
Smith, M.M., Sherry, S.B., Vidovic, V., Saklofske, D.H., Stoeber, J., Benoit, A. (2019). Perfectionism and the Five-Factor Model of Personality: A Meta-Analytic Review. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 23(4), 367-390.